Thailand’s ‘Real Cheese Burger’ is a surreal insult to food

It’s always alarming when a fast food chain says, “This isn’t a joke.”

But first, a message to all cardiologists in Thailand: take your vitamins. Get some rest while you still can. I’m afraid you will be very busy in the coming months.

In what may be the worst menu addition since Taco Bell unleashed the guts with its Waffle Taco, Burger King Thailand now sells “The Real Cheese Burger.”

Yes, “cheeseburger” is usually one word. That’s when it includes meat, toppings, spices, sauces. This “cheese burger” is two words: absolutely disgusting.

It seems the misanthropes at Burger King Thailand had an epiphany: “What if we sold a cheeseburger that had a real cheese burger? Forget the fries. Our customers receive 20 slices of processed cheese on a sesame bun. It can be magical!”

Indeed. Just looking at the picture will magically make you lactose intolerant.

Watch now. There’s a reason we’re surrounded by “cheese lovers” and not, shall we say, “legume lovers”. Cheese is delicious. It comes in a wide variety of flavors, textures and styles. An aged cheddar can make you feel young again. I was once having dinner with Frank D’Angelo at his bistro on King West and he said, “You have to Parmigiana Reggiano.” Soon a small barbershop quartet harmonized on my tongue.

A nibble of brie or camembert at a soirée in the garden? Beautiful. Are you trying to release your jaws wide enough to choke on what appears to be a pile of Kraft Singles at the height of a gazebo? Repulsive. Why not just tie off a vein and mainline Velveeta?

An unscientific review this week of the early customer reviews for the Real Cheese Burger falls into the “Queen Cleopatra” rating range on Rotten Tomatoes. Those who dared to order the Real Cheese Burger found it hard to draw a red line after three bites. It was described as weird, dry, gross, horrible, scary and, to one customer, nightmarish.

In other words, exactly what you’d expect when you look at the repulsive photo.

I can only assume that something was lost in translation. God help the good people of Bangkok if the stomach-sadists who came up with the Real Cheese Burger ever get literal and horrifying ideas after hearing about pigs in a blanket, toad in a hole, or devils on horseback. Now available at Burger King Thailand: an ice cream truck! You take a sip and then we throw you in a pool of root beer where you will float!

I warned you about ketchup cotton candy last month and that summer is the season of nauseating foods. Now I’m starting to wonder if fast food really is to attempt to kill us.

The Real Cheese Burger should be renamed the Real Heart Attack.

All the burgers all over the planet are out of control. The Big Mac was invented in 1967, before I was born, but I’ve gone back and read accounts amazed at the pioneering spirit of two patties. Now burgers come in trio and quad formation. Five is not excluded. Six is ​​very possible in some zip codes.

Burgers are like disposable razors. For generations, one knife was enough. Now the grooming crazies are marketing flexible, six-bladed gadgets that come with ultraviolet follicle lamps and Bluetooth. Eventually, Gillette will sell an autonomous razor that comes with 1,000 rotating blades.

In the past, cuts were the danger of shaving. In the future, you may lose a nose.

I don’t even know how anyone could digest a burger bigger than Tom Cruise – especially one that consists of enough fake cheese to put a rhino in a coma. No cheese lover I know would come within two blocks of this monstrosity. Competitive glutton Joey Chestnut won a contest last week after devouring 62 hot dogs.

I challenge him to eat one of these Thai burgers.

Cheese is a calling. The Real Cheese Burger screams “Run for your life!”

I read a story this year about how Burger King’s “Bacon King” sandwich has 2,102 calories, not including fries or soda. That’s clogged vein madness.

Doesn’t the government levy excise duty on alcohol and tobacco? Why is there no sin tax on potentially harmful foods? Obesity is a serious problem. Once Wendy’s starts muttering about a Frescata or Domino’s unveils its Cheddar Bacon Loaded Tots, the FBI has to add a per-order charge that goes straight to medical care.

Obesity is a serious problem and a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese won’t help. But fast food is like fast fashion: it’s popular because it’s not expensive. To try to eat healthy today, you need a credit line. Grocery store prices are insane. Once a bag of apples costs more than a Whopper, it’s Armageddon for public health.

But let’s try to accentuate the positive. If you’re consuming too much fast food and want to quit, stare at this week’s sickening photo of the Real Cheese Burger. This is what fast food passes off as sustenance. Gaze at those chunky triangular cheese folds stacked on top of each other like sea lions on the beach for hours on end. Would you voluntarily put this in your body? You wouldn’t even slip this into your worst enemy’s mailbox. Why? This is not food.

The Real Cheese Burger is a surreal insult to food.

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