This Guelph, Ont., couple is looking for a surrogate via social media after frustrating search

Stephanie Craig and Mike Murphy of Guelph, Ont., are a pretty average couple.

They got married and bought a home together, and have been trying to grow their family since 2017 — but that’s been difficult.

Craig had a miscarriage in 2018 at 24 weeks. The couple also tried in-vitro fertilization (IVF) but it didn’t work. Since then, they’ve been looking for a surrogate but there aren’t many available for their needs.

In July, the couple decided to create an Instagram page documenting their search and sharing their experience with others going through the same the same experience.

They also hoped the online profile might help them find their surrogate.

“We found out that we were likely going to have to go public with our search, and that’s scary, putting yourself out there,” Craig said.

Craig said while you can use an agency to find a surrogate, many couples search independently to have more flexibility.

She said an agency will have a list of all the service providers a couple would work with, but they want to be able to carefully pick their own lawyers and therapists to work with.

“It’s more work for us, but we get to have the benefit of working with those that fit our needs best. It is particularly important to us that our future surrogate have the choice as to [which lawyer and therapist] she wants to work with as well.”

Legal considerations

Under Canadian regulations, surrogacy is legal but there are rules surrounding what can and can’t be paid to surrogates. For instance, you can’t offer to pay or advertise payment for someone to be a surrogate mother. However, surrogates may be paid for medical and some other expenses related to the pregnancy.

To reduce the chances that young women are taken advantage of, it is also illegal to help or advise someone under age 21 to become a surrogate.

Anyone found guilty of breaking these laws can be fined up to $500,000 or jailed for up to 10 years. 

Lisa Feldstein, a lawyer in Markham, Ont., who helps families navigate the health-care system, said there’s lots to consider when looking for a surrogate.

They include ensuring it’s the right path for you, including by speaking to your doctor and getting well informed.

Feldstein said one of the biggest barriers can be the financial implications.

It’s very much like an interview process at first where you get profiles, you read through the profiles and you find someone that you think that you’re going to click with.– Karen Harnack-O’Connor, surrogate

“Surrogacy is very expensive. Even in the altruistic environment, it is going to be minimum in the tens of thousands of dollars because of the expenses at the fertility clinic,” she said.

“Then, the reimbursement of the surrogate can dramatically vary if they’re paying her back for lost income or if she’s a high-income earner and she has to travel a great distance to the clinic, [and] if she has several kids and needs a lot of child-care help.”

These are costs Craig and Murphy are willing to reimburse for their surrogate.

Feldstein said it can add up to about $80,000 and some people can end up spending over $100,000 based on their individual needs.

Becoming a surrogate mother

Karen Harnack-O’Connor of Cambridge, Ont., signed up with an agency two years ago to become a surrogate, and gave CBC insight into the process.

As a first-time surrogate, she’s about 29 weeks into the pregnancy.

Harnack-O’Connor said the couple she chose to help were complete strangers. Over a two-year span, they’ve slowly become her close friends.

“It’s very much like an interview process at first where you get profiles, you read through the profiles and you find someone that you think that you’re going to click with. But then you still have to go through this whole dating process of seeing if both of your values match up together and your outlook of what you want during the pregnancy, and even contact afterwards.”

Counselling highly suggested

Feldstein said couples and surrogates should also be thinking about their individual mental well-being.

“Counselling is very important; it’s not legally required, but many fertility clinics require it and it’s a highly valuable step. Many lawyers do not want to even write a surrogacy contract until counselling has been done.”

Feldstein said counselling “will often make sure that a surrogate is emotionally fit and mentally fit to be a surrogate, carry a pregnancy for someone else and relinquish the child, and for the intended parents as well, to make sure that they’re ready, because many intended parents, they are grieving [a lost child].”

Craig said it also helps to have a strong community around you.

“I found amazing women on IVF groups that I’m good friends with. We’ve been meeting up. We now have the surrogacy community that’s rallied around us and they’re checking in with me all the time,” she said.

“If this is the way that you need to build your family, you can do it.”