Vietnam map gaffe suggests Barbie should stay in Barbie Land

The world is on edge when even Barbie can cause an international incident.

If you’ve seen the trailers, you know that the upcoming live-action movie is based on toys. You also know that Margot Robbie stars as Barbie and Ryan Gosling as Ken. What you may have missed is a one-second scene that now gives Barbie a migraine.

In a blue blazer and starchy white collar, Barbie stands in front of a “map of the world.” It gives off strong Crayola vibes. The map is stylized so that the cartographer could be Tinky-Winky or the ghost of Salvador Dali. Is that a melting clock in the Atlantic Ocean?

But the biggest problem? The eight dashes to the right of ‘Asia’.

“Barbie” will hit theaters worldwide on July 21. This now excludes Vietnam, where Barbie aficionados are forced to fly to another country or fire up a VPN to download an illegal bootleg. Vietnam banned “Barbie” this week. Barbie is banned in Vietnam.

Authorities believe this fictional map, however fleeting, can wreak havoc in the real world. Those eight dashes, they say, are a crude and sinister depiction of the “Nine-Dash-Line” in the South China Sea, a maritime strip that both Vietnam and China claim as their own.

For Vietnam, this map isn’t a cute prank – it’s Chinese propaganda.

The bright pink vibe of Barbie Land might as well be communist red.

Warner Bros., the studio, has not yet commented on the uproar. But it’s amazing to read this week’s coverage of “Barbie,” which now includes references to rulings from international tribunals in The Hague, geopolitical disputes over shipping lanes, underwater resources, military bases on man-made islands, and deadly boring background information on Exclusive Economic Zones ( EEZs).

Vietnam isn’t the only country to put Barbie aside.

Newsweek quoted Risa Hontiveros, a senator in the Philippines, as saying her country should also mark the controversial map: “The movie is fiction and so is the Nine-Dash-Line. At the very least, our movie theaters should include an explicit disclaimer that the Nine-Dash-Line is a figment of China’s imagination.”

I am not downplaying this impassioned and seemingly intractable regional division. China’s aggressive maritime expansionist drive and refusal to abide by international decree has led to years of suspicion and animosity, including with Malaysia and Brunei.

Even Taiwan has to slap its forehead at Barbie’s casual cinematic blunder.

But I’m not sure this map, which you’d miss if you blinked for one minute in the third trailer, is admissible in the International Court of Justice. It’s cartoonishly unrealistic. Where is continental Europe located? New Zealand? What do the sailboats represent? Is that a jester’s crown on top of Iceland? What’s with the hashtag floating in the ocean? Is that a Christmas tree? Why is Africa deformed and why does a sun set near Tanzania? Where are the hubrid alien colonies in the Arctic?

Margot Robbie blocks North America. Her mouth is the size of Malta. But there’s another set of dashes — 11 this time — suggesting Canada owns Greenland, and possibly a megalodon. And by “Canada,” I mean “Kenada,” which is how our country was renamed last week at the movie’s premiere party.

Vietnam has every right to restrict cultural imports if it deems an affront to sovereignty and national peace of mind. I would have loved to ban “Barbie” in my household when my daughters were young. Or even issue a fatwa on Dora the Explorer. But until more is known about this card’s backstory, here I am with my palms up, exiting the chat and getting ready to drive off in Barbie’s Corvette.

Who designed the map? Did the Chinese Communist Party have input? Is Will Ferrell a spy for Beijing? Or is this just another example of Hollywood not paying attention to the small details that inevitably become huge?

I’m just relieved that Moscow isn’t on the Kiev lassos map.

If the Vietnamese box office matters to “Barbie” producers, they should have realized that any “World Map” image had to be thoroughly vetted by maritime experts who could keep poor Barbie out of trouble. When the real world is seething with conflict, your fake card shouldn’t fan the flames.

Certainly not in a movie inspired by plastic action figures.

The Nine-Dash-Line, or “cow’s-tongue line” as it’s called in Vietnam, has sparked decades of existential angst and maneuvering in Southeast Asia. Hanoi has banned other films for depicting the Nine-Dash-Line as China imagines it, including in “Abominable” and “Uncharted”. That dotted U-shape is a hot button.

The film’s official synopsis begins with these two sentences: “To live in Barbieland is to be a perfect creature in a perfect place. Unless you have a full-blown existential crisis.”

Barbie should have stayed in Barbieland.

She’s not ready for the real world yet.

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