Ask Lisi: My wife is suffering. But what about me?

Q My wife had an incident, but I don’t want to go into details because it was in the news and very specific. It has changed her, both physically and mentally. I appreciate that what she went through was memorable and I do my best to support her in any way I can.

But she’s different. She’s not the woman I married. I’m okay with it; we are older now, our children have grown. But I don’t feel like she appreciates how her changes have affected me. I have had to make huge changes to my life and lifestyle.

Again, I’m fine with most of it, but I’m just not getting anything from her. How do I reconcile what I feel inside?

Caught in a conflict

a I’m terribly sorry about what happened to your wife, whatever it was. Our health is so important and we so often take it for granted. The older we get, the harder it is to recover from whatever adversity – physical, mental, emotional – we face. We lose our elasticity.

Your wife sounds like she is suffering tremendously and I imagine she doesn’t have the energy to deal with what you are going through as well. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t care or even recognizes what’s going on. She can and she can’t.

I assume she is receiving both physical and mental therapy for her recovery. If she isn’t, she should be. And I suggest you ask her if you can come to one (or more) of her sessions. This will be helpful for both of you. Talk to her in front of a therapist. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you know that the incident happened to her, and not you, but you too were affected.

Work together to recover what you can from this tragic incident.

Q My brother-in-law’s parents died in a car accident last summer. They were a close family and the tragedy was heartbreaking. My wife is his wife’s sister and we also had a close relationship with his parents.

I took it upon myself to help with the practicalities because he, his wife, his sister and brother, and their two families were all too shaken and devastated. I was looking at planning the funeral, buying the coffins, making sure they had plots, etc. I talked to my wife who talked to her sister, and we agreed that we would pay for everything up front and then later be repaid from their estate. We knew that wouldn’t be a problem and we could afford it.

There were complications with the estate and extended family and we stayed out of everything. It got ugly. Now everything is arranged, money and possessions are divided among the family.

The only problem is that no one refunded us our expenses. I told my brother in law and he keeps brushing it off, saying he’s sorry he keeps forgetting and he’ll get to it.

We’re talking five figures here, so it’s not nothing. We’ve had some big life challenges this year and we could really use that money in our bills. What are we doing?

Frugal family

a Unfortunately, you learn the hard way never to mix money and family. You were kind, helpful and generous with both your time and money when needed. That certainly did not go unnoticed.

Talk to your brother-in-law again, to your wife and his present. The burden of proof is not only on him, but it is his family that you must reimburse. Make a plan and, if necessary, go to the bank together.

FEEDBACK: On the man whose wife stopped having sex with him (May 25):

Reader: “A sexless husband asked you how to rekindle intimacy with his wife. Your answer was actually: ‘Pull your own weight and take initiative.’ While not wrong, I had hoped to read something about some of the common reasons why long-term partnerships suffer, including past sexual traumas resurfacing; negativity of the body; menopause; a partner who has changed physically, emotionally or mentally over the years; a general disinterest in sex or intimacy; distractions due to finances, illness, family, etc.

“I feel your answer simplifies a complex issue that could have a number of root causes that have not been explored or even alluded to here. A sexless marriage is problematic for all parties and can cause resentment and emotional damage in both parties.”

Lisa: You’re not wrong. I was influenced by the tone of the letter from the man, who placed the responsibility on his wife. My instinctive reaction was to “protect” her and put him behind the wheel.

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