Knitting my clothes helped me fall in love with my fat body
This First Person column is the experience of Whitney Swinimer, who lives in Halifax. For more information about CBC’s First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
I’ve been fat since I was eight.
For most of my life, I hated my body. During my teen and young adult years, my weight was a thing to be ashamed of. It led to bullying at school, tearful experiences in fitting rooms and fad diets I would do with my mom that never worked anyway.
I was angry that no matter what I did, I was still fat.
That was never more obvious than when I tried to buy clothes. All of my straight-sized friends (who wore clothes sizes zero to 14) would go to the mall and come out with cute outfits from multiple stores while I was limited to overpriced, tent-like clothes that made me look like I was decades older than I actually was.
The rise of online shopping has improved things a bit, but the double-edged sword of buying online means that I can’t try anything on until after I’ve spent my money. I have to trust the inconsistent sizing guides on websites, and sometimes those clothes aren’t returnable.
It wasn’t until I started knitting in 2015 that I realized I could avoid those tearful fitting room visits or expensive non-refundable purchases. I could make clothes to fit my body instead of changing my body to fit the clothes. It was a revelation.
However, I didn’t get off to the best start when I took up knitting. In fact, my first project was a total failure. I was inspired to knit after watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire and falling in love with a vest worn by the character Katniss. To buy a ready-made one was well out of my budget, but I found a copycat knitting pattern for about $10.
Call it enthusiasm or blind optimism, but without even knowing how to knit, I decided to take on this intermediate pattern. Knitting this vest was a humbling experience. There were moments of frustration, mistakes made and a couple of tearful breakdowns.
In the end, I had a finished vest. Until I wore it and it started to unravel. I was such a novice that I didn’t even know how to properly finish my piece so it wouldn’t come apart. Lesson learned.
Despite that fumbling start, I fell in love with knitting and continued to expand my skills with every project I made. A year later, I was consistently making clothes for myself. Sure, I got a well-fitting wardrobe but I also got so much more than I expected.
My personal style leans feminine and cottagecore is my vibe. But finding clothes that match my style and size can be tough. Plus size clothing options are severely limited compared to straight sizes and often focus on hiding your body, because why would someone who is fat be proud of their body and want to show it off?
In contrast, the clothes I knit for myself are in my favourite style and colours, custom fit to my body. I feel beautiful when I wear them. My hand-knit pieces are a celebration of my body exactly as it is. I struggled with loving my body for so long because I could never find clothes that fit both my style and size.
Knitting solved that problem, but it also helped me feel comfortable taking up space — literally and figuratively. As a teen, I never imagined I could feel as confident as I do now, and that wouldn’t have happened without knitting. Today, when I wear a garment that I’ve knit for myself, I feel confident, beautiful and proud.
My favourite hand-knit item is the cardigan I wore at my wedding. Many brides who knit make themselves a wedding shawl, but I’m not much of a shawl person, so I decided to knit a cardigan.
I looked at hundreds of patterns and after a long search, finally stumbled upon one that was exactly what I was looking for: size-inclusive with feminine details and balloon sleeves. Coincidentally, it was designed by a knitwear designer who is also based in the Maritimes. It felt like it was meant to be.
The pattern fit me like a glove right from the start, every choice I made worked out, the fabric created by the yarn was floaty and ethereal and most importantly, the colour matched my dress perfectly. I had come a long way from that vest that fell apart the first time I wore it.
My wedding cardigan is a perfect example of how knitting my own clothes helped me fall in love with my body. I didn’t have to change anything about myself to look beautiful in clothes that matched my style, were uniquely me and celebrated my body exactly as it is – fat.
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