Let the bored gorillas of the Toronto Zoo watch videos

Even animals cannot escape technology.

A sign will be up this summer at the Toronto Zoo: “For the good of the gorilla troop, please do not show them any videos or photos as some content may be upsetting and affect their relationships and behavior within their families.”

This is a first: Gorilla Viewer Discretion advised.

I don’t know what visitors show. Hopefully, it’s not Netflix’s “Chimp Empire” that would make any captive gorilla long for the freedom of Equatorial Guinea.

One gorilla, Nassir, was mesmerized by the cell phones constantly pressed into his glass case. Maria Franke, the zoo’s director of conservation and animal welfare, recently explained the situation to the Star’s Francine Kopun:

And Nassir loves those videos so much. It kept him distracted and not interacting with the other gorillas, and you know, being a gorilla. He was just so into gadgets and phones and the videos.

So Nassir is like the rest of us? Could he get addicted to TikTok in an hour?

I have visited many zoos in many countries. I always have the same feeling: pity for the animals. Yes, they are fed and safe. But they look sad and bored. This howler monkey in Barcelona once sent me a telepathic message: Dude, get me out of here.

My wife says I’m completely wrong. Zoos are crucial for research and conservation, especially for endangered species. We tend to romanticize nature. But you don’t have to watch National Geographic to know that Mother Nature is a snuff movie. Kill or be killed.

This is not a problem in a zoo where the gazelles and tigers are separated.

So here’s what I’m proposing: Instead of banning technology, zoos should double down. Place touchscreens in each cage. Add food reward vending machines and maybe Wordle. Give meerkats headphones. Give orangutans iPhones. Give donkeys Donkey Kong.

The Toronto Zoo put up that sign because it was feared that Nassir deviated from the behavior of a gorilla in the wild. But Nassir is a gorilla that lives on Meadowvale Road. Give him some slack. Imagine if the situation were reversed. If I spent my days in a glass enclosure and Nassir wandered around in sandals and shorts, I’d love it if he showed me the “Mission: Impossible 7” trailer. It would break the monotony.

If Nassir showed me “The Idol”, I would be forced to throw feces.

Another tidbit from Francine’s story: hyenas at the Toronto Zoo love watching Disney. Not sure how this was discovered. Did attendants loop scenes from “The Lion King” with Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed? Here’s the thing: hyenas can end up in spaghetti westerns if the alternative is doing or watching nothing at all.

I don’t care what the experts or my wife say. My eyes tell me that our zoo animals are bored to no purpose. So let technology stimulate them and broaden their horizons.

Have an IMAX party on Sunday night at the Tundra Trek. Teach the mouflons how to use a microwave oven. Give the grizzly bears iPads so they can order salmon sashimi through Uber Eats. A bald eagle earns GPS to simulate the places it can’t fly. A Komodo dragon can benefit from the Find My Friends app after a venomous bite.

Monkey see, monkey do, monkey addicted to VR.

Sorry, zoos are animal prisons. You can throw a piece of meat into a leopard’s den. It’s just not the same. Big cats are like little cats. The thrill is in the killing. There’s a gray tabby walking down my street. He is a bird serial killer. When I see him in my backyard, I run out to chase him off as the blue jays squawk in agreement, “Yes, go away!”

But it’s not his cat’s fault. It’s his nature. He feels most alive while hunting outdoors.

Did you see the video released last month by Save the Chimps? Vanilla, who had spent her life in a lab, was rescued and moved to a Florida refuge. Her chimpanzee expression when she first stared into the blue sky was pure joy and wonder.

It choked this primate.

But if Vanilla was still stuck in that lab, get her a flat screen TV. I would love it if elephants could master excel and code reptiles. We humans stare into the abyss of AI. If a robot apocalypse comes, we need the animals on our side.

So flood all zoos with consumer tech until the other carbon beasts catch up.

Yeah, no one wants random yahoos traumatizing gorilla eyeballs with flashes of monkey porn. But the gorillas wouldn’t even bother staring at visitors’ phones if stimulated. If someone broke into your house and started reading Tolstoy, you would only listen and not call the police if you had never read a book.

I’m going to contact the Toronto Zoo and invite Nassir to live with me for a month. I will teach him to play electric guitar and keyboards. We’re watching “Planet of the Apes” in surround sound. I put my Apple Watch on his furry wrist. I encourage him to talk to Siri and beat my record on the Socks game.

The days all bleed together when you’re a zoo animal.

Maybe, just maybe, technology can be an escape.

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