Taylor Swift told Swifties to stop bullying John Mayer

Is it time to call the Swifties a terrorist organization?

I’m just kidding, Swifties. Accept one of these friendship bracelets. They’re like the ones who switch goodwill on Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour. I assumed there would be a concert in Toronto. Instead, Ms. Swift rejected Canada.

Maybe I’ll give the bracelets to John Mayer. He could use some friendship.

We start in 2010. This is when Swift releases “Dear John”. The hit was a fusillade: “All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifeless eyes / ‘Cause you burn out.” The lyrical clues convinced Swifties of this kiss and tell, give them hell was about Mr. Mayer. He has been sleeping with one eye open ever since.

Unfortunately for John, “Dear John” is back in pop culture.

Swift is re-releasing the song as part of next month’s “Speak Now (Taylor’s Version)”. She sings the song live again for the first time in years. And she asks her fans not to cyberbully Mayer, which has prompted many to cyberbully him even more.

He posted a photo on Instagram this week of his concert in Boston. Here are some of the comments: “You snitch… Never speak Johnny, boy, count your days… You should have known.” “Under arrest for stolen girlhood.” “It’s going to be a cruel summer for you, dear John.” “Mother told us to be nice, but you’re not out of the woods yet.” “Should have been on that submarine.”

Wow. Wishing that Mayer was on a submarine that imploded in the depths of the black and icy ocean is beyond evil. For the record, Swift never confirmed that “Dear John” is about Mayer. Maybe it’s about John Adams. But Mayer clearly feels attacked.

As he told Rolling Stone in 2012, “I’m pretty good at taking responsibility now and I’ve never done anything to deserve that. It was really, really sad for her to do.

Tay-Tay has millions of fans. Those who cyberbully Mayer now give them all a bad name. I have a question for the Swifties. I’ll ask after boarding up the windows and hiding behind the couch: don’t you have anything better to do?

Volunteer at a food bank? Read a book? Broaden your musical horizon?

And why are you disobeying Mother, your creepy nickname for Taylor?

Here’s what Swift said over the weekend: She’s 33 now and she doesn’t care what happened when she was 19, the year she dated Mayer, when he was 31. Apologies. This column turns into high school math: If a train travels east at 75 mph and a billion Swifties ride west on e-bikes, how long will it take them to reach Dear John’s house and find him? hitting with pickleball paddles until he promises to move to mars?

Swift called for “kindness” this week. She asked her rabid stans not to “defend me against someone you think wrote a song about 14 million years ago.”

And how do they react? They turn on the nasty trolling.

Do you ever imagine a world without online commentary?

All of Swift’s ex-boyfriends should be placed in the witness protection program. Pack your Gucci bags, Taylor Lautner. You move to Boise to become a potato farmer. Don this Groucho Marx disguise, Jake Gyllenhaal. Hey, Calvin Harris, here’s what you need to know about your new life in the Tijuana slums: You’ll be safer there.

Swift’s future boyfriends should push for song NDAs. Some women throw their ex’s clothes out the window after a bad breakup. Mother settles in the studio.

Then her fans burn an effigy of Tom Hiddleston.

The Swifties can be more terrifying than the Wagner Group. In their undying devotion to their pop singer, they also resemble the MAGA cult. Taylor could steal classified documents, plot an uprising, and poison democracy. Swifties cheered with every stiletto step. If she wrote a song about how a nameless barista was mean to her, every Starbucks would be bombarded with Molotov cocktails.

I admire her musicianship. She is a generational talent. But she has to finish it off with the coy diss tracks full of Easter eggs before someone gets a skull fracture. That’s not me defending Mayer. He’s a cad who once described another ex, Jessica Simpson, as “sexual napalm.” Even his friends wouldn’t describe him as classy.

I hide behind the couch again. Mother? Clearly you can no longer numb your frenzied fans with vague, Kumbaya calls for civility. Just read the comments on Mayer’s social. Mother, these children of the corn don’t listen to you.

Swift is appalled at the bullying when she finds herself on the receiving end. But when her stans fantasize about waterboarding Scooter Braun or Netflix boycotting an anonymous line on an obscure show, she shrugs and blinks her eyelashes.

I don’t blame her for the actions of others. I’m just saying with great power comes great responsibility and she is the most powerful pop star in the galaxy. Don’t encourage “kindness” – demand it. Mother must tell the hellions, “You’re under house arrest.” If you want to cyberbully, don’t buy my records or come to my shows.

This is the real strength test Taylor Swift has been messing around with this week.

Sometimes you have to be toughest on those who love you the most.

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