Why we should all consider a ‘sleep separation’

It’s a trend that can keep you awake at night: “sleep separation.”

If you’re married or living with your partner, “going to bed” can be a quiet end to the day or a Groundhog Night buzzing with sheep-counting anxiety.

It all depends on how your partner behaves when the lights go out.

Do they snore? Do they steal blankets? Do they wake up at 2am to check their phone? Do they mumble gibberish? Do they have restless leg syndrome? Do they twist and turn? Do they roll over your startled body to stumble into the bathroom every hour?

Do you share your bed with the Tasmanian Devil or Rip Van Winkle?

According to a survey this week from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM), one-third of cohabiting adults have filed for a “sleep separation.” These couples now get their eyes shut in separate beds. They sleep separately to stay together.

“Getting the right amount of sound sleep is important for relationships,” warns the AASM. “Studies have shown that those in relationships who consistently sleep poorly are more likely to conflict with their partners…”

Yeah, well, this seems inevitable when you only get three hours, because your ribcage was a landing site for an elbow attached to a partner who always drifts off to dreamland, sounding like a garbage compactor crushing an aluminum lawn chair.

How can you not wake up on the wrong side of the bed if you have no side?

I think we should all consider “sleep separation.” Think about it. We don’t shower with our partners every morning. We don’t use one laptop at a time. We don’t do synchronized shoe binding. Sleep is more important than all that hassle.

Do not get me wrong. I like to hug my wife. Just before she drifts to la la land, she gives a final monologue for today. Sometimes it’s about upcoming social plans. Sometimes it is about the children or the news of the day. Sometimes I have no idea what she’s talking about. But once asleep, her face transforms into beautiful serenity.

You know what? I’ll get over it. I have my spoon memories.

Now I want to test a sleep separation to see what all the fuss is about.

In another survey this week, 63 percent of UK respondents said sleep caused “tension” in their relationships. It also found that women sleep an hour longer on average. I think that’s fair considering women are being forced to buy more ear plugs and eye masks.

We take sleep for granted until we can’t get enough of it. Then sleep haunts our eyes wide open. Last year I visited a sleep clinic. This was after my wife asked for a referral, upgraded us to a king size bed and built a pillow wall in the middle.

The clinic was strange. You show up after dinner and are ushered into a bedroom tricked with cameras and microphones as if you were auditioning for an adult movie.

The nice attendant put sensors on my head and torso. Then she plugged the wires into a transmitter. I looked like a cyborg in a pod getting a system update.

Long story short, I stop breathing about 52 times an hour, have severe apnea, and my snoring has cost my poor wife countless hours of sleep.

She deserves better. So if it’s not a sleep separation, maybe a trial sleep separation? Not long ago I heard that sales of beds were booming. Have you noticed how podcasts are filled with mattress ads? It’s confusing. Most people I know haven’t changed their beds since Y2K.

But now it makes sense. Couples buy extra beds to save their marriage.

It’s almost as if this study was secretly sponsored by Sleep Country.

I was surprised by the generational break. I thought older couples were more likely to have a sleep separation. But according to this study, millennials lead the way at 43 percent. Generation X is 33 percent. Generation Z is 28 percent.

The boomers sleep the most together at 22 percent. Force of habit?

And what happens to couples when one partner has a problem beyond snoring?

Sleepwalking would be disturbing. The exploding head syndrome sounds terrifying. Based on some bizarre cases, if my wife had REM behavior disorder where she hit and cursed while acting out dreams, we would be sleep separated already.

My PJs and CPAP machine would be on a cot in the shed. Wife, I have to work in the morning. I can’t lay my head next to Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.”

So is sleep separation a harbinger of fading intimacy or a convenient solution for couples who keep each other up at night? There are no easy solutions in relationships. If your partner is a driver in the back seat, you cannot strap them to the roof rack. If your partner is on the couch wailing through movies, you have to accept and love this running commentary.

But if your partner, in an eyelid-fluttering sleep, headbutts you at 3 a.m. and drools on your cheek, go to sleep in another room. Treat yourself to a good night’s sleep.

I regret hearing about this “sleep separation” trend. Now I am conflicted.

Will I continue to be a nightly nuisance to my long-suffering wife?

Or do I call my sleep divorce attorney and ask him to prepare the paperwork?

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