Ask Ellie: Being single brings a host of new and scary challenges

Q After being married for 14 years, I started walking early in the morning to temporarily clear my mind about my new ex-husband, our kids, etc. I knew I was dealing with the changes and feelings in the family, but I walked to focus on the workday ahead.

Suddenly a man caught up with me, stated that he was a neighbor and had always hoped that we would meet. I slowed down a bit and we talked. He is 10 years younger than me, unmarried, no children. He kept up with my slow pace and said he hadn’t noticed a wedding ring. I just said I was single.

He caught up with me the next day and the next. I haven’t been able to plan my work day, but I admit I enjoy the chats. Until he suddenly asked if I was planning to sell my house.

Seeing me flinch, he turned the conversation into flattery and said, “A beautiful woman like you” will have men lined up. “And I’d be the first at your door,” he said.

The next morning he showed up at my door, almost thrashing his way in. My kids had left for school and I was alone. He suddenly pushed me, but I screamed and he fled. I kept shaking. It was an attack I have never forgotten. I suddenly realized that my life would be very different on my own.

What is essential to learn about being a loving, responsible single parent and also having a life of your own?

Moving forward

a I’m so sorry that happened to you.

To move forward, you must meet the “you” who has always known your own mind, in different stages of age.

You are responsible for your work and you love your children. But there were years of a previous marriage and now a big part of your life has changed. So if you’re facing new steps that you’re not sure about, take it slowly. Build trust.

This man had his own unspoken interests – whether he would buy your house or take advantage of your aloneness, I’m not sure. If he ever forces entry into your space again, notify the police.

Q I am a woman dating a divorced man. We are both 54 and have known each other for years.

Both of our husbands cheated six years ago, leaving us with children. They are all adults now, ages 22 to 27. His two older children accept me, mine accept him, but his youngest male child is a manipulative narcissist who tries to break us up after more than five years of dating and four years of living together.

This college graduate refuses to get a driver’s license or job, forcing his father to come rescue or move him. He chose a school far from us. My boyfriend has to fly to a city twice a year to find a hotel, rent a car and move his son’s things.

I am not allowed to be present when he is around. Recently I had to wait in a car for hours, barred from graduating.

He now chooses graduate school – three more years of constant manipulation during vacations, getting in and out.

My boyfriend feels guilty about his divorce and tries to make amends for his ex-wife’s departure by being the “involved good parent.”

It destroys our relationship because he always chooses his son’s fake needs over mine.

Ready to give up

a It’s a tough challenge that some adult children throw from divorce to the parent who gives in.

This parent thinks they can “help” their child adjust. But some still shout “needy.”

In the meantime, you have understandably lost your temper. Your “boyfriend” chooses to be trapped in this unhealthy dynamic.

Decline “exclusions” or continue. Keep in touch with the other adult children if possible.

FEEDBACK: In regards to “What is a fair will?” (June 10th):

Reader: “Dividing wealth between two sons shows fairness and love for each child, regardless of career choice or family situation.

“If their eldest son chooses to use part of his inheritance for post-secondary education for his children, that is his decision.

“In our family, the parents leave their money to their children. If there is a special bond with grandchildren, there is a small amount for them to buy something meaningful to remember the grandparents.

“But most of the possessions don’t include the grandchildren.

“This has always been openly discussed between the parents and their children.

“Perhaps these grandparents can share their decision and the reasons for it with both their sons, but not be guided by the sons’ opinions.

“Even if son #2 gets married and has children in the future, the will will not need to be changed to include the new family members.”

Ellie’s tip of the day: Divorce, other people’s children, and dating again all require work.

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