Ask Ellie: My husband cheated on me and I didn’t mind

QI was married for eight years to a man who bought himself a private apartment in another city where he would “leave town on business” with another woman. They had this affair for about three years before I discovered the company’s monthly bill for the apartment’s utilities.

When I presented him with evidence of his affair, he said he thought we could still stay married because he “loves me” and there’s no point in paying the cost of a divorce.

I had to admit that I was otherwise happy with our lifestyle, as I had actually had a brief fling with another man. I also enjoy my current lifestyle – the fitness center I go to three times a week, a decent job close to where we have our marital home, plus shared household expenses where my share is cheaper than his because he earns more than me.

The fact is that I am quite comfortable with things as they are. I travel a lot and I negotiated with him to have access to the ‘getaway’ apartment he bought. I understand this isn’t a plan for everyone’s marriage… but it works for ours. His affair has also ended.

Now that I’m in my early forties, I’m starting to worry about the future. My girlfriends tell me, once a cheater, always a cheater. Yet I have not had another affair and have come to appreciate our marriage arrangement.

But I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. My friends point out that I might meet someone special one day instead of still accepting what they call a “second-rate” relationship.

Would I be foolish to leave my husband and a way of life I still enjoy, or am I setting myself up for a lonely future?

Too much in marriage

aIf you’re most concerned about ending your marriage, start by examining your current key relationship needs and goals. If you now think it’s impossible to restore the marriage completely, even if you love your current lifestyle, then it’s time to look at new possibilities. It will boost personal achievement in many different areas.

Since you’re starting to feel uncomfortable in your complicated marriage, it’s time to be more open about a new level of honest communication with yourself and all the different people you’re meeting in your life right now.

A new and exciting chapter will undoubtedly open.

QWe are colleagues who want to get away regularly to enjoy a meal together. However, a member of our group can be annoying. He acts like everyone wants to hear what he wants to say.

He is loud and frequently interrupts anyone who is speaking to interrupt his thoughts without regard to the person who was talking.

We’ve tried to convey how rude this is, but maybe we’re being too polite about it. He doesn’t get the hint, or he just doesn’t care.

Besides being blunt with him, how can we get him to stop interrupting others and wait his turn to speak? Note: We cannot withdraw the invitation.

Uncomfortable coworker conversations

aOh dear… a “chatter-grabber.” They sure are a nuisance, and there’s no reason you just have to put up with it. Time to be honest without being too rude.

At the next meeting, someone should take the lead and make it clear that there are too many interruptions. If necessary, look the perpetrator straight in the eye and tell everyone to take a turn. If it happens again, repeat the “new line”.

FEEDBACKAs for the obese adult son (June 16):

Reader: “I’ve probably been triggered that the father of a man in his 50s thinks it’s his business to get involved. In my 60s, I had to set boundaries with a family member who commented on my weight, both up and down.

“People like me are well aware of the health implications. If this man knows what it feels like to carry less weight and feel healthy, and then switched to food during COVID isolation, he doesn’t need his father’s help.

“In my thirties, I followed a 12-step program and then had therapy. I couldn’t just turn my food addiction on or off. This guy needs more help and it’s not about bad or good food decisions.

“Parents need to back off and let their adult children find their own way. Stop judging and just love the person for who they are. They will find their own answers when they are ready.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Complicated relationships can become less satisfying as an individual recognizes their personal need for deeper meaning in their lives.

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