Ask Lisi: My daughter has found her passion, but she’s terrible at it

Q My daughter loves to dance. She goes after school four out of five days a week and all day on Saturdays. She loves the dance school she attends, even though it’s not near us. She’s been with these girls for almost six years and they’re like sisters.

I love that she is so focused and dedicated. The problem? She’s a terrible dancer. She has no rhythm, grace, coordination or natural talent. It’s painful to watch.

As she gets older, her lack of talent is even more pronounced. I’m happy for her, but it’s eating up all my time and money, and I can’t reconcile in my head that it’s all worth it.

Is it time for her to move on to something else?

Dance daddy

a The question you need to ask yourself is: what bothers you the most? Do you feel like you are wasting your time? Your money? Or are you ashamed of your daughter?

If it’s money, which is a legitimate expense, you need to decide if the value of your daughter’s happiness is proportionate to the financial cost to you. In other words, even if she was a great dancer, did you expect her to win a cash prize that would make up for the many years of paying for lessons?

Parents pay for their children to do multiple after-school activities. Many are expensive. But it’s the child’s growth — the social interaction, the exercise, the fun — that you pay for. Very, very few kids become professional dancers, gymnasts, hockey players, etc.

Once you’ve reconciled what you’re willing to do – how many years, how much more money – ask your daughter what she sees for her dancing future. Maybe she’s over it but doesn’t want to tell you for fear that you’ve invested so much.

Talk to your daughter.

Q My best friend from high school and I have kids the same age. My oldest is the same age as her youngest. When mine was born, I reached out to her for advice on programs, activities, baby gear, etc. She was very helpful in some ways, but we were worlds apart in others.

She told me about a great baby program and we joined. We drove there the first day and spent the whole time together. The second week I had to drive separately because I came from an appointment. When I arrived she gave me the cold shoulder and left early. When I called to ask if she was okay, she said her baby wasn’t feeling well and she was tired.

The third and fourth week she didn’t show up, but strangely she didn’t say it when we talked on the phone. And when I asked where she was, she dodged the question. Now she distances herself from me.

Do you have any advice?

Baby bumps

a There really isn’t enough information to know what’s going on with your boyfriend. You said she was your best friend from high school, so talk to her. But don’t attack her. You have no idea what the real reason behind her behavior is.

On the one hand, she might have realized she liked that class better without you around. Perhaps she hoped to expand and make new friends. Maybe she has other friends there that she prefers to be with at the time. Or she could have marital problems, or health problems, or problems with her other children. You just don’t know.

Ask her to take a walk during nap time so you can just have time together, not focused on the babies. Ask her questions and let her talk. You’ll figure it out.

Q: My friend’s sister won’t talk to me. I have no idea if she likes me or not because we barely had a full conversation. My friend says she is painfully shy. But she’s engaged to be married to a nice guy with healthy social skills.

How can I get her to contact me? And if I can’t, how do I get into a relationship with her if my boyfriend and I stay together? They are not super close, but see each other often.

Clumsy siblings

A: The best thing you can do is not take this personally. It’s not about you. She may have decided she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t know you. So, I repeat, it’s not about you.

Talk to her if you see her. Ask her questions that require more than a yes or no answer, and focus on her upcoming wedding.

Hopefully she warms you up. Or not.

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