Ask Lisi: My husband keeps hitting on my friends

Q I am 15 and in high school. Last year I met a girl in one of my classes who became a school friend. We talked on the phone about schoolwork, had lunch together when we needed to work together, and got together to study. But apart from school, we didn’t have much in common.

At the end of the year she asked me to see a movie. I went and it was fine, but we didn’t become friends-friends. We haven’t spoken once in the summer.

This year we had three classes together – two classes too many in my opinion. She wanted to eat lunch every day, meet once a week after school. I have other close friends in all the grades she’s in, but I hate saying no to this girl. She hasn’t done anything wrong – we’re just not friends outside of school. I’ve tried and I just don’t feel the connection.

Is it mean to say, no, I can’t have lunch with you and then have dinner with other people? Is it mean to say, no, I can’t go to the movies with you, but go to a party with other friends? I don’t want to be mean.

I just don’t want to hang out with her.

Teen in between

a The main point here is that you don’t want to be mean. I’m glad you acknowledge that. You never know where your life will take you, if you ever see this girl again, maybe even become friends one day. The last thing you ever want is for someone to feel like you’re hurting their feelings unnecessarily.

So the main factor here is how – how you say, ‘no, I can’t have lunch with you’, but then she sees you eating with others; ‘no I can’t go out tonight’ but then she sees you at the same movie with others. If she asks to get together outside of school, say, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” I already have plans.”

But since you really enjoy working with her, work with her. Invite her to sit and work at lunch one day. She soon gets the hint that you are only school friends.

Q My husband is the love of my life. We have a great relationship, great kids, a healthy sex life and lots of fun together. We are both good friends and life partners.

But he has a disgusting personality flaw and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s especially horrible because people talk about it behind my back. My close friends will tell me directly, but they hate to do that, although it is necessary.

My husband will make sexual comments to other women, even my close friends. He has never – and I don’t think he ever will – act on any of these comments, but they are there. For example, he told one of my friends that he gets excited when he hears her voice on the answering machine. She no longer leaves messages.

How do I make him understand that this behavior is hurtful to me?

Love bound

a Let me start by saying I’m sorry you’re going through this because it’s not easy. You can be lighthearted about it, but if it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have sent me this question. You say that your husband is a good man in every way, except this disturbance. I imagine you told him that it bothers you, that it hurts your feelings, and that he looks silly in the eyes of others.

If none of these have given him reason to quit, he probably needs some therapy. I suggest you go together to a professional who can listen to you, starting with all the positives and the great relationship you two share. But then who can dig deeper to find out what drives your man to say the things he says, and maybe just move on with him.

FEEDBACK: On the wife dealing with her husband and sudden male pattern baldness (May 13):

Reader: “Start wearing a nice hat right away and everywhere. He has to watch out for the sun.

“But why not just shave it all off? Embrace your baldness. Don’t let it define you.

“The reason behind the baldness can be many. Does he participate in sports that require head protection, such as hockey, football, skiing, cycling? Does he work in an environment where a hard hat is required, such as in construction? Has he gone back to his ancestors?

Lisa: All helpful, but the main issue is how this woman gets through to her husband that she loves him no matter how much hair he has on his head.

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