Is marriage harder today? Why one psychologist says yes

HALIFAX –

Marriage might be the oldest institution in the world, but it’s struggling to adapt to the pressures of modern life.

According to Toronto-based registered psychologist Adisa Azubuike, marriage is harder today than it was just a decade ago.

Azubuike has been practising psychotherapy and counselling married couples for 25 years. He said that the problems faced by married couples are becoming more pronounced.

“There are more distractions for couples,” Azubuike told CTV’s Your Morning. “The phone is ubiquitous.”

Azubuike said it is more common for couples to scroll, alone, on their phones than it is for them to walk together or talk.

People also have higher expectations for their marriages today, Azubuike said, with both men and women getting married later. According to Statistics Canada, the mean age for people getting married for the first time was 31.2 in 2020, up from 29 years in 2000. Azubuike said older people are often more entrenched in their lifestyles and might be less flexible when learning to compromise in new partnerships.

Azubuike identified several other challenges facing existing marriages. He said couples today have fewer support systems because they tend to move away from their families more readily than ever before. They’ve also been pressed into tighter shared spaces, where they often have to work side-by-side.

“We went through a pandemic,” Azubuike said. “And working from home, spending so much time together, many of us need some separated time.”

Azubuike said couples who practise space learn that time apart actually enhances their relationship.

Fortunately for couples struggling to adapt to the modern landscape, Azubuike’s prescription is available at home. He advised that couples hoping to strengthen their connection follow this advice:

• Communication – Couples should share needs, aspirations, dreams and desires. Azubuike said couples should try to recall the way they communicated when they started dating and stay consistent, so they retain an evolving understanding of one another.
• Connubial Clarity – Azubuike said you need to be clear about the kind of sex life you want to have if you want it to be mutually beneficial. Communicating about sex helps partners bond and understand one another as life changes.
• Compassion – Compassionate partners help one another through pain and suffering, and forgive each other’s mistakes. Azubuike said couples should try to remember that compassion often begins with forgiving ourselves and learning how to repair our own mistakes.